Friday, 6 May 2011

WARNING: LOGIC AHEAD by Boris Synott

WARNING: LOGIC AHEAD
Warning, Caution, Beware, Look Up, Look Down, Mind Your Step, Do Not Cross, Very Hot, Very Cold, Slippery When Wet, Danger, Slow Down, Stop.
Warning Signs, they are everywhere. I recommend we do away with the lot of them before the human race begins a descent into complacent stupidity. Replace the Warning Signs with a few standard signs like "Think" or "What is your common sense telling you right now Captain Obvious?"
Better yet have no signs at all
Our daily lives have been taken over with signs telling us what not to do and to be careful to the point of not doing anything. This is eroding our built in survival instinct. One of the very few things, besides opposable thumbs, that keep us at the top of the food chain.
Sure if there are no signs the stupid people of the world might injure, maim and kill themselves, but if they are daft enough to stick their head out of a moving train then I don’t think there's really much hope for them anyway. Say this out loud and tell me if you disagree. "I am happy to leave my small children in the care of someone who sticks their head out of a moving train" Ok, so we all agree, no big loss to the species.
One warning sign I did see was on a standard queens size bed electric blanket. The warning was about number seven in a list of ten things not to do with the blanket, including getting the blanket wet. If you still piss the bed you shouldn’t be lying on anything with the word "electric" in the title.
The instructions on how to use the blanket correctly were shorter than the list of warnings. The warning stated in bold font "DO NOT STICK PINS INTO BLANKET". Now I have slept in quite a few different beds of my own and in various places both here and overseas. From the expensive, hand folded down corners, with a mint chocolate on the pillow type of beds to the cheap as chips, is lucky if you don’t get scabies backpacker bunks. At no time I have ever come across a need to stick pins into the bed. So why is this warning required? It is required because some mental midget in a moment of what they thought was exceptional brilliance has stuck pins into the blanket and electrocuted himself or herself. The Company now has to place such a warning tag to prevent any further lawsuits against them. I think that person should have been grateful, as had they not been electrocuted they would have been stuck with pins during their sleep with no one to blame but themselves and more than likely pissed the bed as well.

Takeaway coffee is another one that has warnings that are just astounding to the average caffeine consumer. The lids now have either "CAUTION: HOT CONTENTS" or "CAUTION: CONTENTS MAY BE HOT" embossed on top. Now lets take a moment here. You have just stood in line at a crappy, little, trying to be oh so different café near your work because you were too lazy to make yourself a cup of coffee at home before you left. You have ordered a coffee so you would expect the contents to be hot. I will say repeat that just in case is was too simple a statement. You have ordered a coffee so you would expect the contents to be hot. You would be pissed off if it were cold. I fail to see the need for a warning. If you order a coffee and spill it on yourself resulting in scolds and burns then that will certainly serve as a reminder for next time, more so than any embossed warning message.

Another device with a warning tag that beggared belief was a Heat Gun I was using to strip paint off the side of a house. It is a hand held electric device that you plug into the 240volt socket and switch it on. (Numpties take note: there is that word "electric" again)
It heats up and blows excessively hot air in a measured flow. You hold this near the paint and as the paint bubbles you slide the paint scraper along and the paint comes off in one easy motion.
It has a warning tag "DO NOT USE AS A HAIR DRYER". This gadget melts bloody paint so why on earth would you stick it near you head? The person that did stick it in the direction of their cranium deserves the third degree burns and what small brains they had to be seeping out of their skull. They should maybe stick to collecting stamps and leave the house renovations to the Boy Scouts who probably have a patch advising that they are competent with said device.
So in summary we should remove all the Warning Signs and those of us who don’t have to buy a clue can get on with making this species great and those who can’t keep pace will fall by the wayside in a generation or two.
In 1859 Charles Darwin gave us his Theory of Natural Selection. Imagine how far ahead we could be if we didn’t stunt our growth with warning signs.